THINKING OUT LOUD

HE SAID WHAT?

I have been on so many dates. Actually, let me start that again. I have been on so many first dates. And not to toot my own horn here, but I must I admit that more often than not, I am usually asked out again for a second date. I’d like to think it’s for my flawless makeup finish and seamless eyeshadow application, but probably not. Sadly, most of these guys don’t get a second look in. Here’s why.

There are some things I just don’t need to hear (or see!) on a first date – What an instant turn off. Waste of time. Waste of makeup. Waste of a good outfit. To think I could’ve just stayed in, donned my Winter flannels and caught up on Orange Is The New Black, sipping on tea… This makes me ever so sad. But, I know, it’s all in the name of love. And you’ve got to be in it to win it, right? So, you single men out there, please, take note, because I’m so over wasting my good “going out foundation” on these ‘never-ever-going-anywhere’ first dates. Here’s what not to say…

My wife and I separated in February. We’ve got share custody of our three kids. She’s got bipolar. She lives not far from here. Information that would have been useful… yesterday! Age: 36


Do you ever feel like killing your bridesmaids? Do you ever just want to get a knife and stab them like this? And then proceeded to act out the action of stabbing someone in the chest. This was on my first ever Tinder mind you. I deleted the app for three months after this. Age: 33


I have a girlfriend back in Perth. We live together. I’ve been trying to propose but last time I did she said no and went on a holiday with her girlfriends to Bali. But I plan to propose within the next year. – Englishman visiting Sydney for work. I’ve looked him up. He looks very happy. She said yes. Age: 30


I had a back injury last year. I had to have an operation on my lower back. I have a scar there. I’ll show you. – And proceeded to pull down his pants and reveal to me his scar. Oh, and also half of his butt including his un-manscaped butt crack… all in the middle of a booked out bar. All within the first half hour. Cheque please! Age: 30


Oh my god! Shut up! No way! I’m from the Hills District too! – Said ridiculously enthusiastically while slapping my thigh so hard it left a hand print. Age: 27


I’m twenty-seven. Declaration of age by an A-grade NRL footballer. I Googled his name before attending the date. He was twenty-two. Just. Age: Factually 22.


I thought you would’ve at least bought one sister with you. Beautiful words spoken by an Italian Sydney-sider. Age: 28.


You like Katy Perry? What the hell? That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. – Righteo. You probably need to get out more. Age: 30


I’ve seen some weird shit. I had this woman come in last week who’d shoved a bird up her c*%$. She was high. It was disgusting. – An emergency ward Nurse. Spare me the finer details… and the c-bomb. Age: 28


I’ve always had a thing for Keira Knightley. You look like Keira Knightley. I can’t look at you. A young English lad who also thought he should tell me he had a thing for Samira Weaving, Scarlett Johansson and any and every other actress. Perhaps consider a move to Hollywood. Age: 24


Do you smoke? Do you take drugs? You don’t know how to live, mate. You have no idea what you’re missing out on. ­That wine is drugs. That’s more addictive than anything I take. Now you’re judging me. Don’t judge me, mate when you have no idea what you’re talking about.How the hell did this douche bag get through my culling?! Age: 30


Do you want to come back to my house? My parents will be asleep. ­– Thanks, but no. And just no. Age: 29


We’re not together. We’re divorced. Well, the divorce goes through in a few months. We’re separated. I sleep on the couch. I’m looking for a new place now. Did your wife give you a curfew? Age: 36


Yeah, just give me twenty bucks. – Requested after receiving the bill for sushi train, which totalled $70. He ordered sashimi and beer. I had water and a couple of chicken rolls. I don’t eat seafood. My meal was easily under $15. Age: 29


I swipe right to the ones advertising brothels. I find it funny. I ask questions and see what they say. It’s hilarious. – A Kiwi Banker living in Sydney. Age: 34


There are so many girls with big boobs on Tinder. The ones with their boobs like this, with their phone like this. I still swipe right though.  Thanks for acting out the poses. Really needed the visual with that comment. Age: 34


Do you watch TV? I don’t watch any TV. I hate those reality TV shows. You’d have to be f&*^ing crazy to go on a show like that. – Just before MAFS Season 2 aired. Age: 32


And that’s only some! Please, feel free to share some of the worst lines you’ve received on your first dates below! I’m surely not alone here! Right? Rigggght?

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