A few weeks ago, I fell off the I So Cannot Be Bothered (CBB) band wagon, head first into a big pile of… cyber stalking. I went against a huge component of my dating rules, which I like to refer to as the CBB Rules for the Modern Woman. Rules, you ask? Yes, rules. Let me just grab my golden scroll here, and… Here we are. CBB Rules for the Modern Woman.
Single ladies, please. We’re all playing The Game here. Like, you know when he texts and you immediately read the message, yet mindfully reply three hours later (even though you’ve pre-empted what his text might say. You’ve texted your girlfriends to let them know he has in fact messaged you just to keep them in the loop. You just may have drafted the reply to ensure a witty response with zero spelling errors, which you have also sent to your girlfriends for pre-sending approval). All of this, just so you don’t come across as too keen. Well, this my friends is considered “playing The Game”. Oh, and yes, he totally plays The Game too.
Come on, who doesn’t have time to respond to a text within three hours these days? Three minutes even? Hey, I can reply to a text within three seconds if I really need to. We’re all playing this (mindfuck) game in Single Land. But, needless to say, some participants are just better at it than others.
Being ‘good’ at The Game isn’t about dating multiple people at once; it’s the opposite. It’s about getting that one person you’re really crushin’ on and getting them to crush you back, tenfold. If you can achieve this, you’ve played The Game very, very well, because as we know, it ain’t easy without coming across as too keen too soon. #TheGameRoyalty #GameGoals
My I So Can Be Bothered journal entry touches on this with Rule #1 being Self-Confidence. Without sorting yourself out first, you’re going to suck at dating, if you’re genuinely on the search for The One, that is. The Game is going to rule you. #TheGamePeasant *insert sad sing-a-long song here* All by myself. Don’t wanna be… All by myself… Anymore! Gotta love me some Celine.
Now before I go on, let me reiterate that I’m still mastering The Game myself. But, I must say, after four years playing the field so to speak, and with this last year being my year of going hard out with the CBB Rules, I’ve learnt a lot!
So, today I am going to share with you CBB Rule #2: NO Chasing. This rule is crucial. Ladies, grab a notepad, a tea, wine, what have you, and let’s get this one down pat.
First and foremost: Men do not want to be chased. I repeat, men do not want to be chased. And you don’t want to be a woman who chases a man. Ever. There are so many facets to this rule. Where do I even begin?
Firstly, if you’re chasing a man, here’s the cold hard truth: he’s just not that into you – this is inclusive of you having to text him first in order to hear from him. If you haven’t heard from the guy, if he’s not reaching out to you, requesting to see you or asking when you’re next available, he’s not interested. Simple. Harsh, but simple. And yes, this may occur after four, five, six dates in. If he’s not contacting you, save yourself the embarrassment and move on. His loss! Next! #GameGoals
Secondly, never approach a guy first or ask him out. What I’ve learnt over the years, particularly from Tinder dating, is how relationships played out when I asked the guy out first: He would agree to a drink, I felt flattered, date would be amazing, we’d see each other a few times… Then nothing. The whole thing would fizzle out quicker than a sparkler at New Years. Why? It’s simple. Notepad ready.
If a guy has plucked up the courage to ask you out, he’s clearly interested, he’s intrigued; this guy wants to get to know you. But, if you’ve pursued him, who’s to say he was interested in the first place? He may have just agreed to go on a date with you because he was bored or he felt he couldn’t say no. You’ll get him for a date, or two, or three. But at the end of the day, you never really had him, and you will never really get him, because you handed yourself to him on a silver platter. And truth be told, he never really wanted that silver platter in the first place. This has happened to me. So. Many. Times. Do not feel the pressure to ask the guy out, thinking it’s a missed opportunity. Ladies, men love the chase. Men love mystery. Men love a sense of achievement. If he really wants you, he will not let you walk out that door without getting your number. My point is, if he doesn’t ask you out then he’s not The One for you. Save yourself the heartache. Next! #TheGameQueen
Thirdly, in the earlier stages of dating, and especially before meeting one another, you do not need to text him to ask: How are you? How is your day? You have better things to do with your time. You’re too busy for small talk. You have commitments and important responsibilities. Nails, check. Hair treatment, check. Brow shape, check. This constant small talk is considered as ‘chasing’. Where’s the mystery when he’s all up to date with your weekend plans, the run-in you had with your boss, and how many sugars you had in your skinny latte that morning? The guy is now officially bored out of his brain. One new message: Hi Simone. How is your day? Ha! That’s more like it. See? He’s interested. He’s intrigued. He wants to get to know me. I haven’t texted him for two days and my last text was short and sweet. That’s what you need. That’s what you want. Save yourself the free texts for post-date SMS reports to your girlfriends. #TooBusyTooCool Three hours later… Annnndddd… Send. And another very note-worthy Chasing Rule component: You should always end the conversation – skip the lengthy text conversations. You are after all too busy for small talk. If he wants to talk to you, he can talk to you in person. You have so many other better things to do than text all day. What Instagram filter makes me look more tanned, do you think? Velencia or Slumber?
The same goes for texting post-date, specifically after the first date. Never text a guy after a date to be all sweet and cute, like: I had such a lovely time. Thank you for the wine. Sleep well. No, no, and no. This is considered ‘chasing’. You’re too keen. Too available. Too Much. You want to him to walk away from that date questioning whether he’ll be lucky enough to see you again. If he doesn’t text you, no the guy hasn’t been hit by a bus on the way home. The sad truth is, he’s not interested, for whatever reason. Whatever, his loss! But, if and when he does send that post-date text, you’ll know it’s because he’s genuinely interested. He’s intrigued. This guy wants to get to know you… more. But don’t be too keen to reply! Play The Game. #GameGoals #OneNil
Lastly, do not cyber stalk to the point of requesting friendship (unless you want to really turn him off by immediately friend-zoning the guy). In that case, click Like on every photo he’s ever posted, starting with his first post back in 2012 and hey, you may as well leave a comment: #cuteAF. In the early stages of dating, there is absolutely no need for you to jump into social media bed with the guy. You do not need to know who the blonde woman is – the one he has his arm around at a house party in April. The same woman who makes an appearance in his Tower of Pisa Contiki post three years ago. And no, you definitely do not need to check if they still follow one another. Social media stalk? Yes. Absolutely. Stalk the shit out of him. (Beware on LinkedIn though, that thing tracks your clicks… learnt that the hard way!) But, absolutely do not like his posts, let alone click on the green follow icon. Abort. Abort. Mayday. Mayday.
I’d now like to refer to one of the greatest chick flicks of all time. In the words of Kate Hudson, …You can’t lose something you never had. Summarises this CBB Rule to perfection: You can’t say you’ve had your heart broken over a guy who never asked for your heart in the first place. #TheGameChaseeForTheWin
So, anyway, back to my story. Like I said, a couple of weeks ago, I fell off the CBB band wagon, head first into a big pile of cyber stalking. Yes, I went against the CBB Rule #2: NO Chasing. Truth be told, I stalked to the extreme. Stop. Just stop. Put the phone down. And…. Request to follow. Fark. He’s going to think I’m crazy. I almost admitted myself into CBB Rehab. Who caught me so off guard that they were deserving of my precious time and cyber stalking effort? The strapping young Personal Trainer at the gym of course. Yes, I know. So cliché.