Today. After my overdue, wine-food-filled, long weekend away in Melbourne, I have never been so confident in my decision to ditch Sydney’s picturesque scenery for an urban lifestyle. Was it the brunch masterpiece I consumed this morning that sold me? Partly, but not entirely. Was it the red wine and delicious gnocchi I shared with my high school BFF from Sydney turned local Melbournian on Saturday night that won me over? Somewhat, it’s always great to know people in a new city. What’s that, sorry? Was it the confident, manly men? Well, yes, actually. Yes, it was.

Within two hours of landing in the city, I was literally swept off my feet. Two hours? Yes, just two short hours. Thirty-three, six foot two local with freakin’ amazing hair. Just. Like. That. Seriously, Melbourne. Calm you farm. It was merely his approach that really took me off guard: “Hi, my name is Will. I saw you walk in earlier. I’d love to talk to you. Can I buy you a drink?” I must admit, I did respond with, “Sorry, me?” Single ladies of Sydney, would you agree – this never happens here? In the four and a half years, I’ve been single, I cannot recall a single time that this kind of confident, straight-forward, non-sleazy approach has been heard by my gold-hooped decorated ears. Look, I might be going to the wrong places. But, at the same time, come on. When I’m being handed a tropical cocktail decorated with a fancy swirly straw and pink paper umbrella by a charming country lad dressed in baby blue, with eyes to match, the city has me sold. Melbourne: say no more. Sydney: you’re dead to me.

And you know what? Mister Country-Turned-City Lad wasn’t the only one. Like, seriously Melbourne. You can stop. You’ve got me. Over the next two and a half days, I was swept off my feet by the smallest of gestures and confident non-sleazy approaches, even it was a simple, “Hello, my name is…” Single men of Sydney, on behalf of the single women of Sydney: Up. Your. Game.

By the end of my weekend away, which I spontaneously extended by another twenty-four hours because I was having way too much fun, I was so impressed with the single male talent of Melbourne that I came to this realisation: single men of Sydney are just, well, aren’t into the feet sweeping Melbourne craze. From personal experience, particularly of late, Sydney men are unreliable – they lack communication, and intelligent communication at that; absolutely love their mixed messages, not ready for ‘anything serious’ but I’ll take you away for the weekend but I don’t actually want to date you; love sending out their Sunday morning hangover texts requesting cuddles even though they have yet to ask you out to dinner, Please, look at me? Am I over here holding a sign that says: ‘FREE UNEMOTIONAL HUGS’? Ahhhh, no. No I am not. It’s very sad to hear you didn’t pick up last night, but I ain’t gonna be your ‘last-option- before-the-weekend-ends-girl’, and it goes on, and on, and on. I’m protesting this Sunday, Martin Place, 9AM: Dates before hugs! Dates before hugs! Dates before hugs! 

Look, I’m not saying I’m every man’s catch, I’m not over here thinking I’m all that and a bag of chips, but where are all the Melbourne-like men in this city? Please, Sydney men, answer below – I have plenty of eligible single women of Sydney reading this as we speak. In spite of all of my efforts, I really feel like I’ve tried to make it here in Sydney when it comes to finding love, I married a complete stranger in the name of love, on national television, and that still didn’t help the situation.

And so, I’m here to make a special announcement: As of today, I am hanging up my black stilettos and officially retiring from the Sydney dating scene. That’s right, single Simone of Sydney as you know her has left the building. I know, it’s quite the shock. My patience to hold out for Mr Right in Sydney has reached its wits end, and I work with kids, I’ve got the patience of a saint. I honestly never thought this day would come either, but with my hand on my heart, I can thank the men of Sydney who I have had the upmost pleasure, and deepest regrets, of dating for this life changing decision. Whether we dated for one hour, one week or one month, thank you for not wanting to keep me to yourself, you made the right choice. You really have worn my little heart out and without you, this day would not have been possible. So, thank you. No really, in all seriousness, thank you.

Hey, Jude. Let me tell you the story of how I met your mother. Well, it just so turned out, she was new to Melbourne, and I just saw her standing there at a tram stop, in the pouring rain, holding a pink umbrella…

See you soon, Melbourne.


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